Jonny and the Foreigner

Len the Fish, Jonny B and I sit in the village pub. It's early, seven o'clock or so, and I'm beginning to suspect we may be here for the duration. Jonny is in one of his moods, and Len isn't helping by using filthy language and talking about sex with farmyard animals. Why do I put up with these fools?

“Excuse me yes, I am looking for ze pigfarm?”

It is obvious from the accent that this man is not foreign. His accent is a poor imitation of what an English person thinks a foreigner sounds like. I detect a subtle undertone of West Country in his voice. Bristol, maybe.

“I am looking for ze pigfarm? Apparently it is near here?”

Out of the corner of my eye I notice Jonny stiffen in his seat. Clearly this is some kind of codeword. Perhaps the sleeper cell has just been awakened. The faux-foreigner circulates around the pub, reaches Jonny B and states,

"Ze meeting with the unnamed pig-man may be under the full moon tonight, eh comrade!"

I am shocked by the audacity of this man. I plant a small tracking device in his jacket pocket. Later, I track him down to a farm just outside of the village. I creep up on him and drag him into a deserted barn. Under heavy questioning the guy will not crack. I break near every bone in his body and he still keeps up the ridiculous accent.

He begs for his life until he can beg no more.

Hitman

Despite the electrocution, the ladder-abuse, the stair collapse, and the LPs, I didn't really think Jonny had it in him. I didn't think he was capable of murder.

In the end, maybe he wasn't. He bottled it and got the professionals in. This man is such a low-life that ants look down on him. I am disgusted.

I pull in a few favours and discover that the police have Lenina Crowne in custody. My respect for Jonny increases somewhat, at least he's spared no expense getting the top assassin in Europe to front the job. A little old lady on the outside, a cold-hearted butcher on the inside. This woman is responsible for more deaths in Europe than any other paid contractor - Wimpey Homes included.

Yet the LTLP has been lucky. A badly broken leg is the worst of the physical injuries. Mentally though, I'm not so sure. She looks like a broken woman. Who wouldn't be, living with that monster.