Jonny tells me that he's asked the Friendly Builder to put a dividing wall in the attic. This is something of a blow, as the attic provides easy access to JB's house when he's out and about. Even at night time I've been known to venture into the enemies' lair. The LTLP snores like a passing freight train, so the odd creak here and there doesn't present a problem.
Why does Jonny want the attic to be partitioned? There must be some hidden secrets up there. Dead bodies? Dried blood staines? Crap old records? I'm a bit concerned that the Friendly Builder may discover the small compartment of my own that's home to some nasty secrets, but it's well concealed and he's not likely to spot the opening switch hidden inside JB's old guitar. I watch him as he builds up the wall, stone by stone. It's like he's building his own crypt. I prepare the shovel.
Thursday 21 October 2004
Tuesday 5 October 2004
Installation
I use the free weekend to make some alterations.
Up through the hatch into the loft, over the accumulated detreitus, down through Jonny's trapdoor, and I'm in. I think of rummaging through his belongings for telltail signs of nefarious activities, but time is limited and he's far too clever to leave anything incriminating lying around. So I install secret cameras in the kitchen, the lounge, and above the bedroom. These little beauties will last for years.
Up through the hatch into the loft, over the accumulated detreitus, down through Jonny's trapdoor, and I'm in. I think of rummaging through his belongings for telltail signs of nefarious activities, but time is limited and he's far too clever to leave anything incriminating lying around. So I install secret cameras in the kitchen, the lounge, and above the bedroom. These little beauties will last for years.
Monday 4 October 2004
Prague
I wait for him to leave the house. To my surprise, only three days go by before the premises are vacated. Jonny struggles out of the door with several heavy-looking suitcases.
"Going anywhere nice?", I ask. "Spain? Italy? Swaffham?"
"Well," says Jonny, "Prague, actually. You know. Eastern Europe."
I wonder at the audacity of his pronouncement. He must know that I have him under surveillance. This vicious cabaret that we are performing is beginning to affect me, psychologically.
What is there in Prague? Guns. Prostitution. Gambling. Stag parties. Maybe JB is going to smuggle back an armed poker-playing lout dressed in a Borat bikini.
Unlikely, granted.
"Going anywhere nice?", I ask. "Spain? Italy? Swaffham?"
"Well," says Jonny, "Prague, actually. You know. Eastern Europe."
I wonder at the audacity of his pronouncement. He must know that I have him under surveillance. This vicious cabaret that we are performing is beginning to affect me, psychologically.
What is there in Prague? Guns. Prostitution. Gambling. Stag parties. Maybe JB is going to smuggle back an armed poker-playing lout dressed in a Borat bikini.
Unlikely, granted.
Monday 15 March 2004
Risk
Someone once said that the secret to performing great acts is great preparation.
I have no evidence of which particular time or date this was said, but there are a lot of people in the world, and it seems like something someone - possibly a middle manager - would have said, at some point. It doesn't really matter if it has been said before or not, it is merely by way of introduction.
For the past few weeks I have been observing this preparation occurring right under my nose. The primary target has been attending Big A's house for extensive and rigorous global warfare training. This has taken the form of lengthy games of the popular board game 'Risk' - a long-time favourite with insurgents everywhere. The aim of this game is to recruit as many fanatics as possible, before, slowly but surely, taking over the world. JB plays the game with the studiousness of a professor. It is something of a giveaway that his favourite tactic is the "concurrent attack", which features several cells all hitting their designated targets at the same time.
I have no evidence of which particular time or date this was said, but there are a lot of people in the world, and it seems like something someone - possibly a middle manager - would have said, at some point. It doesn't really matter if it has been said before or not, it is merely by way of introduction.
For the past few weeks I have been observing this preparation occurring right under my nose. The primary target has been attending Big A's house for extensive and rigorous global warfare training. This has taken the form of lengthy games of the popular board game 'Risk' - a long-time favourite with insurgents everywhere. The aim of this game is to recruit as many fanatics as possible, before, slowly but surely, taking over the world. JB plays the game with the studiousness of a professor. It is something of a giveaway that his favourite tactic is the "concurrent attack", which features several cells all hitting their designated targets at the same time.
Sunday 14 March 2004
I continue my study of Jonny B from afar. His behaviour is certainly peculiar, although not necessary criminal.
- He has his cess pit emptied. (There are no bodies currently stashed in there.)
- He experiments with home-made explosives in the form of a can of microwaved soup.
- He travels to London to meet with some old contacts, consumes a kebab his waist-line can barely afford, talks about bingo and goes home.
I wonder whether I have done the right thing taking this assignment. If the pace of life around here got any slower, it would have to start going backwards.
Monday 23 February 2004
Rinse. Repeat. Rinse.
I have been tracking Jonny Billericay since his arrival in the village a short time ago. The firm purchased the house next to the subject's residence, set me up with a ready-made wife and kid, and told me not to let Jonny B out of my sight. I take them literally.
Monday: I follow him to the shop, he buys a paper.
Tuesday: Shop again. A paper, and some milk.
Wednesday: Shop. Paper. Stamps.
Thursday: Shop. Paper.
Friday: It isn't the kind of work that I signed up for. I see precious few signs that this is the international terrorist depicted in the files. Sure, he's stuck two fingers up at capatalism and moved out of the big bad city, but there are bigger fish frying in the local chippy.
Monday: I follow him to the shop, he buys a paper.
Tuesday: Shop again. A paper, and some milk.
Wednesday: Shop. Paper. Stamps.
Thursday: Shop. Paper.
Friday: It isn't the kind of work that I signed up for. I see precious few signs that this is the international terrorist depicted in the files. Sure, he's stuck two fingers up at capatalism and moved out of the big bad city, but there are bigger fish frying in the local chippy.
Thursday 1 January 2004
Please navigate away from this page immediately...
...unless you have security clearance level D-503.
This is the secret and private notes of myself, Short Tony, concerning the ongoing surveillance of Subject "Jonny Billericay".
These pages are designated Ultra Top Secret and must not be viewed by members of the public.
If you do not have the requisite security clearance please close your browser window immediately. If you do not do this RIGHT NOW then we will come to your house, possibly with dogs, and certainly flashlights (if it is dark).
Dramatis Persons
Short Tony, I, Short Tony, am the hero of this blog, and Chief Agent in charge of monitoring the above suspect. My background is in Covert Ops, before many years working on project Dessert Chicken.
Jonny B, the subject of this diary, was identified in early 2004 as a major threat to capitalism and the English Way of Life. Shortly after dropping out of mainstream society, Jonny embarked upon a campaign of subterfuge from his base in the heart of rural Norfolk. He has been linked to several major terrorist incidents, drug-trafficking, assassinations and large-scale cruelty to animals. So far we have been unable to provide the CPS with conclusive proof of these crimes.
The LTLP, Jonny B's long-term life partner. At the present time we are unsure of the level of knowledge she has of her partner's subterfuge.
Big A, Narcoleptic Dave, Eddie and Len the Fish, are the remaining members of Jonny's sleeper cell. All are hardened criminals in their own right. More details are contained within the blog.
------------------------------------------
Frequently Asked Questions
Is Jonny B actually Chris Evans?
The two have not been seen in the same location at the same time.
Or is he David Baddiel?
Maybe, we'll keep an eye on it.
Is everything true or do you make things up?
The Government never lies. If you believe this to be false, please send your name and address to us in an email, clearly entitled: Potential Terrorist.
This is the secret and private notes of myself, Short Tony, concerning the ongoing surveillance of Subject "Jonny Billericay".
These pages are designated Ultra Top Secret and must not be viewed by members of the public.
If you do not have the requisite security clearance please close your browser window immediately. If you do not do this RIGHT NOW then we will come to your house, possibly with dogs, and certainly flashlights (if it is dark).
Dramatis Persons
Short Tony, I, Short Tony, am the hero of this blog, and Chief Agent in charge of monitoring the above suspect. My background is in Covert Ops, before many years working on project Dessert Chicken.
Jonny B, the subject of this diary, was identified in early 2004 as a major threat to capitalism and the English Way of Life. Shortly after dropping out of mainstream society, Jonny embarked upon a campaign of subterfuge from his base in the heart of rural Norfolk. He has been linked to several major terrorist incidents, drug-trafficking, assassinations and large-scale cruelty to animals. So far we have been unable to provide the CPS with conclusive proof of these crimes.
The LTLP, Jonny B's long-term life partner. At the present time we are unsure of the level of knowledge she has of her partner's subterfuge.
Big A, Narcoleptic Dave, Eddie and Len the Fish, are the remaining members of Jonny's sleeper cell. All are hardened criminals in their own right. More details are contained within the blog.
------------------------------------------
Frequently Asked Questions
Is Jonny B actually Chris Evans?
The two have not been seen in the same location at the same time.
Or is he David Baddiel?
Maybe, we'll keep an eye on it.
Is everything true or do you make things up?
The Government never lies. If you believe this to be false, please send your name and address to us in an email, clearly entitled: Potential Terrorist.
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