On JB's arrival

JB has a bonfire (a small, city-type bonfire without any petrol to really get the thing going), and it got me thinking about when he arrived in the village.

The LTLP arrived first, a kind of advance-party to check us all out, I guess. It's fair to say we hit it off straight away. Within two hours of her moving in she had got me horribly, incapably drunk. I was naked, smeared with chocolate sauce, thinking in what a strange direction life can sometimes take you, when she told me that she's not a naturally outgoing sort of woman. I could see that. Behind her Dominatrix personna she had the kind of quiet, dimunitive nature that .

Jonny arrived the next day, all bumbling Fawlty-esque mannerisms.

"Hello," I say, "you'll be the new neighbour then".

"Yes, that's me. Billericay. That's my name. Not where I'm from. I'm not from Billericay. Although I have been there once or twice. It's quite pleasant really and has a good Conservative MP. What was I saying? Ah yes. Jonny, you can call me Jonny. That's not really my name though. But, new start and all that. Toodlepip."

He really does play the part of socially-awkward eccentric very well.

With a final flourish he turns and saunters into the cottage. It was only later I found out he was a highly-dangerous international terrorist.