For two years we have intercepted and read all of JB's mail, searching in vain for hidden messages to his parent cell. Today we picked up the following communication. I am not quite sure the meaning of it yet, but I am going to work on it for the next few days to decifer the code.
Dear Homebase
I recently visited your Kings Lynn branch to peruse your selection of tiles. Whilst I was there, I was forced to use the toilet. Please note that although I chose not to purchase any tiles on this occassion, I believe I am right in saying that I was still technically 'a customer', so I don't think I broke your rules against non-customers utilising your facilities. (I believe these rules are in place to stop vagrants from soiling the toilets. If you check your CCTV you will see that, although I do appear to have a jizzum stain on my trousers, I am otherwise fairly smart in appearance and, although I am technically without a home at the moment, I don't sleep on the streets or drink Tenant's Super from cans.)
I wanted to write to you about an idea I had whilst pooing in your store. You see, your company sells toilet equipment and new bathrooms and that kind of thing, and yet your toilets are a little, how shall we say, austere. Why not decorate them with your best products, with little labels explaining where you can buy the products that are on show? If I had to do my business on a very comfortable toilet and then unwound the tissue from a flashy dispenser, I might be tempted to buy the lovely things.
Please note that even though I am a famous internet celebrity, and have been recognised in VNU's Web Active magazine, I do not require payment for this idea. It would be nice if you could put a link to my blog on your website though.
Many thanks
Jonny Billericay
